Ask Adam League

Imperfect Thought:
Toilet Seats

ATTN Women: You are not a princess, a queen, or even special. You are, as you wish, like everyone else.

When I choose to use the restroom, I must decide: Lid up or down. I have, at first observation, a 50/50 chance that the seat is in a position I need, or it is not. This is if I am a human being, living alone, male, and urinate as frequently as I drop a deuce. This of course doesn’t take into account that I may actually double up the workload, so to speak. Upon realizing that in one form or fashion I am going to have to use the can to urinate more frequently than not while using the restroom, the number increases more to 75/25 or so in that I will take a leak over a deuce.

A woman is fairly guaranteed to not need a lid lift. Unless the woman is in dire straights, needing an AA meeting and tossing her insides into a porcelain throne, chances are good she’ll live just fine without ever lifting the lid.

Now here’s the problem. We lift the lid for our own comfort as well as for the ladies. Most no one wants to sit on a wet, urine soaked lid. Sure, there’s a fetishist out there who is giggling in delight ad throwing some gold onto a seat or cruising a public stall for a sloppy shot. Most people however aren’t really into that.

Yet women often complain about men not leaving the seat DOWN. I just want to get this straight. So, instead of YOU, taking the time to down the lid when you need it, you want someone to throw a double motion? So instead of YOU, the one who NEEDS it down 24/7, dropping it down to make sure you don’t fall in, you want us to drop it down. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s selfish of you. Let us look at the numbers again. I am concerned of getting piss on your seat. I am also going to piss more often than not and require the lid up. So I say, how about you LIFT that lid when YOU are done. This saves everyone.

Men don’t ask about this though. We’d rather just grin and bear it. I say Fuck That. If you are a man, leave it up or down according to your last known operation. The woman does the same. What woman takes a piss and then goes, “you know, I should just put the lid up for someone else”. They don’t, so fuck that. Deal with your own issues. If you fall in the toilet, well I hope you learn to look before you drop. Do you normally walk up to a bench on the street and just plop down? No, because you don’t know the condition of the bench. Do yourself the same courtesy and realize the world doesn’t bend to you, your highness, and simply drop the seat down.

Luckily I don’t have these issues at home, though I’ve known a few persons who have. For you, I said grow a spine. I cannot image anyone with a shred of normality in them can argue with the fact that the man gets the short end on this one. He’s damned if he does, and he’s damned if he doesn’t. Don’t put the lid UP when you piss, get yelled at (justifiably) and you get yelled at if you forget to put it down.

Not only will that teach you to NOT put the seat down yourself woman, but to make sure that bowl is clean.

Thank you, and Goodnight.


17 Responses to Toilet Seats

  1. DonTheProducer 2010.12.04 8:41 pm

    I’ve always been leaving the seat down. Why? Because I urinate sitting down in places that I respect and know are clean (like my house). This is strictly for sanitary purposes since I don’t like minute urine splash on the floor. So the toilet seat hasn’t been an issue for my house. But in a public restroom, I pee like a man standing up.

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    1. zoe somebody 2010.12.14 9:18 pm

      What are you Larry David?

      I think a real man would sit in dirty public restrooms and stand at home where it doesn’t matter.

      And real men don’t clean their toilets.

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      1. Don The Producer 2010.12.16 4:06 am

        Right? Do they get their women to do it? Maybe I’m not a real man.

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    2. The Adam 2010.12.16 6:45 am

      That’s because you are a bitch sir. Real men arc it upwards into the air from across the bathroom. That’s also how real men take deuces. That’s what Chuck taught me (Norris, not that pencil pusher on television). -Adam

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  2. glowstrz 2010.12.13 8:45 pm

    Adam, you are not a prince, a king or that special either…at least no more special then a woman. But I will say this. I do not disagree with your theory. Shocker, I know. BUT, I have a very different answer to this age old problem. In my house growing up EVERYONE put the seat down. I mean ALL the seats, you know that fancy dancy lid that some people cover with carpet? That’s what I learned at home, so that’s what I do. I should e-mail my mom right now and thank her. Wanna know why ALL men and women should start this habit now? Two reasons, one, it just looks nicer, no open icky toilet to look into if you are just using the sink and two, this way everyone is lifting/opening something. So that way everyone wins/loses, depending on how you look at it.

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    1. zoe somebody 2010.12.14 9:25 pm

      Hmmm. Suspicious logic.

      Doesn’t it just make sense that anyone might want to sit or stand (as witnessed by Don’s comment and products like this). Therefore shouldn’t it be the responsibility of the next person and THEIR preference to adjust the current settings of the toilet seat.

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  3. The Adam 2010.12.16 6:43 am

    Been so busy, responses haven’t been coming as I had hoped.
    First I’d like to say Thank you to Zoey. Now that that is out of the way… The logic is absolute and sound. The idea is that all things being equal (sit or stand) it is only one party who really bitches about it. The idea is consider the alternative for a moment, and realize that it doesn’t have to be someone servicing your needs as much as it can simply be watch out for yourself when you are putting your ass out there. I don’t get this treatment at home, though it has come up in my history. I’ll be the first to say that regardless of your sex, CHECK YOUR ASS before you sit. And that is an analogy for life in general.

    To Glowstrz: I am absolutely no prince or king or anything special…I am omnipotent (and thus omniscient) if you didn’t notice. I am as fantastic as the traditional sense of the word comes. I would argue that you put the lid down because it just takes one woman to complian. I am sure a man out there complains of this issue but let us be real for a moment…
    the ratio is crazy high that women are the ones complaining.

    Now to add a humble word to anyone reading: Thank you. Thank you for making an effor to type on here and give us comments and feedback. I’ve been very busy and my work is a difficult place to do this sort of thing. Please continue to listen and offer suggestions and insights. The way I view the site is to give people new thoughts and ways to see them.
    I also see them as the right way.
    -Adam (Not sure if I want to sign THE Adam or just Adam)

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    1. Don The Producer 2010.12.16 11:36 pm

      Now now Adam. You see them as ‘the right way?’ Now you’re sounding like Dr. Laura.

      But I do agree that women needlessly complain about this all the time. It just hasn’t happened in my house… yet.

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      1. The Adam 2010.12.19 1:48 am

        Congratulations on being that person who keeps her name alive. I haven’t heard the name Dr. Laura since I stopped driving to work at 2 in the afternoon. -Adam

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    2. zoe somebody 2010.12.17 4:59 am

      You are welcome THE ADAM. But the suspicious logic was regarding glowstrz comment, “…this way everyone is lifting/opening something. So that way everyone wins/loses…”

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      1. The Adam 2010.12.19 1:52 am

        AHAHAHA. Well see, you have proven that even the Adam can be wrong. I believed this would have been pertaining to me.

        I wanted to ask if it was your doing that a comment cannot be posted twice, or if that is a system of WordPress? If it is you…FANTASTIC! If not, maybe we can work on getting it to be more insane and kinda prickish.

        Thanks again Zoe, the site is working very well. -Adam

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  4. onesie 2010.12.16 11:42 pm

    I guess this means Adam doesn’t shit?

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    1. Don The Producer 2010.12.17 2:05 am

      That I don’t know. But I can tell you that he certainly farts. (^o^)

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      1. zoe somebody 2010.12.17 4:56 am

        He shits from across the room too.

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      2. The Adam 2010.12.19 1:50 am

        Actually Don, you cannot. You CAN tell I have at one point in time. You have no knowledge of whether or not such events occur, or that such events haven’t been sealed from functioning by a doctor.
        You can ASSUME, but Don, I wouldn’t know who you were if you didn’t. -Adam

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        1. Don The Producer 2010.12.20 1:50 am


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    2. The Adam 2010.12.19 1:49 am

      It actually means the shit don’t stink but I’m fairly certain this is myth and conjecture. -Adam

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